Lindsay Ricketts

If you are really interesting in the journey of my life and where I am right now. Read this blog. Its a goodie.

Last night was filled with the most beautiful, diverse but connected community and amazing discussions. I haven’t enjoyed anything as big as that in a long time, it was so… no words no desire to break down. I think I will be blogging based on the talks and the people of last night for a while, and gladly. Seriously, I discovered something about myself, am inspired to live with different eyes, and am content to brood over various ideas presented. For now, I’ll just blog about the 1st thing.
—Its funny. I started to feel like I understood everything about myself, in a sense that what I am now is likely just like exactly what I will always be, that I had just arrived there sooner than most. but I realized something that reenforced itself over and over throughout the night:

I have lost much optimism about people and life.

(Not that i’m on the extreme of a moody, pissed, pesimist either) But man, it really illuminates the anxiety I’ve been feeling about life and decisions, most significantly the UCR vs UCLA conflict. Why am I so worried? Because I feel there is quite possibly a wrong decisions. Because I doubt the ability to find the truth-seekers and kindred spirits I’ve found here that aren’t into all the media-induced bullshit. Because I’m worried about being uninspired and without challenge. I want to stay because I want to hang on to the amazing people I’ve known and recently met in Riverside not just because I love them, but because I’ve practically convinced myself that the chances of meeting others like them are so slim because their quanitity is so minimal, that it is highly unlikely.

I finally am realizing that I can change my thoughts to being able to accept and believe the idea that finding such connections may not be so hard. 3 statements have been said that I want to be able to embrace.

1. That BOTH options are great. There is no bad decision - Jen
2. That no matter where I go, I will always find such beautiful people - New friend Adam from last night
3. That because I’ve been able to experience such people, I’ll be more likely to be able to find it and see it the next time (UCLA) and quite possibly at a greater level. My senses have been heightened and will have a new ability to seek out and discern. - Cousin Martha

Haha as far as the continuing debate, I can’t decide if last night, in all its importance and power, has convinced me to stay or pushed me to go. But… I feel I will be able to make my move with much more ease and confidence. It really is, or hopefully will be, starting to embrace that there is no bad decision.

Although few from that dinner reads this, I thank you for your beauty and wisdom.